Sheldon Swifties XXIII: The Apartment
by regertz
Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.


Sheldon Swifties XXIII: "The Apartment…"

Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…

Christmas Eve…

That most joyous and depressing time of the year…

The well-appointed, currently packed, bar of the Cheesecake Factory restaurant, Pasadena, CA…Happy, noisily jubilant celebrants toasting each other and eagerly greeting newly arrived friends and family members; depressed, lonely souls drowning their sorrows while gazing on the happy, unbothered hordes of holiday merry-makers…Music blaring from the little stage nearby…

Just after that oddly labeled "happy hour"…Famous for its high incidence of violence and suicide…

And in a corner of the bar…One of the world's greatest thinkers…Currently grappling with one of Life's most persistent problems…

"What do women want…?" He stares up at the TV monitor, where famed character "Don Draper" is addressing his superior, the cynical but always dapper "Roger Sterling" on an episode of the acclaimed "Mad Men" series, DVD currently running for the enjoyment of several fan patrons…

My God…He blinks…

If Mom were here, she'd insist that incredibly handsome fellow in the grey suit was Jesus, speaking to me…

"Who the hell cares…" Sterling's rather pithy if terse response…

Music in the bar swells, a jazzy tune…Oddly identical to that used in the sad Christmas Eve bar scene of the famed early 60's film, "The Apartment"…A few couples happily, if drunkenly, dancing to the music…

Who the hell cares…Apt advice in general…But just tonight…One of the world's leading theorists, Dr. Sheldon Cooper cares, my silver-haired mentor…

"Nice hat…" a female patron eyes him…And said hat, a black bowler, currently resting on the bar before him…As the band playing pauses…

"Thank you…A gift from a friend…" he eyed the bowler…

A memento of a happy time that will never come again…

"Buddy…?" the bartender, a youngish thirties fellow, dark-haired had come over…Clearly awaiting a quick order on this busy night…

Hmmn…Quick roll of lucky dice…

"Hit me again, whatever this was I just had…"

"Bourbon and soda, coming up…"

Hmmn…Not so lucky dice…And rather wish they hadn't decided for me to tell him before to give me what the guy next to me was having…

"Is Penny off all night, tonight?..."

"That's what I told you…" the young man nodded…Placing drink before him…

"I see…"

"You're not that boyfriend?...The science guy?..."

"Lord, no…Just a friend…"

"Good…Cause it being Christmas Eve, I'd rather not wanna have to punch you in the snout for what he did to that poor kid…" grim look…

"Right…" As the bartender hurried off to take more drink orders…

And thanks for reminding me that not only is my own life in shambles but I've involuntarily helped to destroy the lives of my friends…

"But I didn't know when I hired her…" he spoke aloud…

"What?..." the same female patron asked…A late thirtish blonde in open coat, dress…A bit perhaps under the weather from several large drinks…He realized with start she'd been there for some time now, occasionally addressing remarks to him…

"You buy me a drink, I'll buy you some music…" she smiled at him…Swaying on her seat a bit…Rising off to go over to where the band on a small stage was playing…

Hmmn…

Well, he thought…His normally keen senses somewhat blunted but his sense of the social proprieties still largely intact… It is customary to offer a beverage…And it being a familiar place, though not my currently off-limits home…Hot not being mandatory…

"Whatever the young lady was having…" he informs the passing bartender…

The previous tune resumes…He grabs for his suddenly buzzing phone…

"O.K" on text…

Lovely…Done his business and I can go home…

Well, at least one can hope he was merciful…And quick…And my assistant has been read her romantic walking papers…

Though it hardly matters now, at least poor Penny is avenged on that score…Even if she's hardly likely to take "It really meant nothing…" as an answer guaranteed to lift her plunged spirits…

"But it was my own fault…" audible sigh… "Eight days ago she was giving me a hat to celebrate my latest triumph…And today…"

"Huh…?" the blonde had returned…Taking up her refreshed drink…

"What do women want?..." he looked at her…

"Mostly not to have guys ask them that…" she grinned…Raising drink… "You married?..."

"Nope…"

"Hooked up?..."

"I live alone…Probably forever…" sigh…

"Tell me…" she set down the glass… "Do you like Putin?..."

"Who?..."

"Putin…The Russian guy…You like him?...Cause I think he's a stinker…"

"Putin, the Russian President?..."

"Yeah, he's got Borash locked up…And he won't let him out…"

"Who is Borash…?"

"My husband…I wrote that Putin guy to let him out for Christmas…He didn't even answer me…"

"Oh…He get mixed up in that protest thing?...Pussy Riot?..."

"Borash?...He wouldn't do nothing like that…He got nailed for tax fraud…"

"I see…That's how it crumbles…Cookiewise…"

"Yeah…Who's 'Amy'?..."

"What?..."

"You kept mumbling…On your third bourbon and soda… 'Oh, Amy'?…If I ain't intruding?…A night like this ya kinda wanna sympathetic ear, right?"

"Just a girl I knew…"

"And here you are…And there she is?…And never the twained to meet, again?"

"About the theoretical size of it…"

"Sorry…"

"My fault…I took her for granted…Though I thought she liked it that way…Simple and undemanding…Excepting on a few minor counts…A little driving, a little exclusivity…"

"So what happened…"

"Caught her with my best friend…Today…"

"Ouch…"

"My former best friend…Who is a skunk, the sort we hunt down and take random, long-distance shots at where I come from…"

"I get that…Where you from?..."

"Not merely because he took advantage of my churlish behavior to woo my beloved…But he was carrying on with my office assistant, despite having my good friend for his girlfriend…Deep in the Heart of Texas, by the way…"

"That's awful…Not the Texas thing…"

"Thanks…So now I've lost my girl, my best friend, male, my best friend, female…Who sings 'Soft Kitty' almost as well as my mom and is shortly heading home to Nebraska, broken-hearted…All on Christmas Eve…"

"A night like this, kinda spooks ya to go home to an empty apartment…" she eyed him…

"I said I lived alone, I didn't say I had an empty apartment…" sigh…

"Amy…"

"One…Is…The…Loneliest…Number…" drunken snatch of song…Amy staggering about the living room of the Cooper/Hofstadter apartment…In tiara and Santa Baby red suit…

"You…" she paused…Glaring blearly at the aforementioned Leonard Hofstadter… "You ruined my life, you…Lactose intoler'ent lothario…"

"I didn't do anything…Amy, you threw yourself at…"

"For my bestie's sake, you as…ass…I was tryin' to detach you form…From the form of tha' wantom…Wanton…Minx…"

And drive her off before Sheldon gets any ideas from her promiscuous behavior…

"Oh…Sheldon…My lil' Sheldon…" she moaned… "You…You did this!...You belayer…Betrayer…" she took a swig of the wine she'd bought at the nearby Seven/Eleven before returning for her little confrontation…

"Amy, all I did was stand in one place…And I didn't betray Penny…The girl threw herself at me…"

"Yeah…Sure…They all do, don' they…All the dames wanna piece of lil' Leo…Hof…Stadter…Right…Oh, now I got wine on my costume…The one I wore for ma lil' Texas treat…"

"Amy, would you please stop drinking and sit down?..."

"You, sir…You…" she pointed a stern if wobbly finger… "You do not reverse…deserve…That fine piece of woma' hood nor my own admittedly wonderful rear cab…oosse…"

"Probably not…Amy…"


End file.
